truth

I can't even think about taking my hair tie off my wrist.

The hair tie, that I wear.

The hair tie, that I tie to my hair.

The hair tie, that I'm comfortable to me.

The hair tie, that I recently bring.

The hair tie, that I like.

The hair tie, that I must wear.

The hair tie, that he wore. today.

I sound like a freaking whore.

I tell the truth. I say what I need to say, I have to say what I need to say or everything else just dies in me. I want lighting to strike me, just once. I don't want to die, I just want a chance to experience what death is. Where would I end up and stuff. I want to change, change into a better person. Someone who would know what to do at certain situations or someone who would know what I should do about... life.

I'm suppose to be on hiatus. Gad,  I shouldn't be here right now cause it's driving me insane that finals are near. I need to pass, I need to get higher than the guys. I seriously, seriously, seriously need to. I'm tired of people treating like I'm some kind of blonde. 

I have tuition later, agh. I'm so lazy to go but I have to cause again finals are coming and tutoring a primary 3 sounds easy when really, it's not.  Everybody seems happier today cause of the papers around school. :) It was nice to see them all smile and say "it brighten up their day". It was nice to hear, really. Also today, the guys did something weird today. Probably made Ek feel awkward, they sticked the tag on my jacket that had his name imprinted on it.

You can judge me, you can hate me, you can think I'm waaaaay into him. I don't care, I tell the truth.

Today is Saturday and today, was a good day. 

vee.

defy gravity

why do people you love become the reason you cry?

so much has changed. we've all changed and each day passes by much faster.

I have the utter craving for chips. Anything sour or salty but I can't eat anything sour or salty cause of my stomach. WEAK I TELL YOU. I haven't eaten anything sour in forever and I'm getting sick and tired (I can't believe I'm going to say this) sick and tired of eating sweet stuff. My throat literally hurts and I feel like I'm gaining more weight due to all the fatty contents of the food I eat. Bah, this is sounding so biology ish. 


I just got home and I feel so freaking sleepy but I still managed to gather up my strength to come here and well, randomly do this. I might not make sense half of the time so bare with me. 


I just got back from a night out with my sisturs and parents. We went to Gaydong to catch up and as usual we didn't plan on where we were going and what we were going to do. Hey, some things just never change. I've missed them really, it was fun even though the JIRMS sister and Turks weren't complete. ): I really, seriously miss the old times where we would all hang out at Coffee Bean. It's like our third home or something. (: Anyway, only Ate Jas, Ate Ivy, Ate Su were able to come since they're the only ones in Brunei. Nico came along cause he was with ate Su. 


I'm guessing you're like "WTF is she talking about?" Well, for starters JIRMS is another word for "germs" but in a very girly way. It represents Jasmine, Ivy, Rachel, Mae, Sarah and Su. The Turks are the guys plus me and Ate Steph. JIRMS and Turks are actually random group names that my parents made when they were like coordinators in church, if you don't get what I mean then neither do I.


Yuh, we went to Coffee Bean and did some catching up, laughed like fuck and made super chitchat. :)) 


I'll post more pictures tomorrow, though we don't really have so much. :p


School today was school, I love Thursdays. So you get what I'm trying to say. I had moments, great ones and really bad moments. Yuhzr. I'll see tomorrow if I can come on, I'm planning on devouring my books and studying. :3


I'd defy gravity for you.


vee.

only the good die young

cause darling, you are, the only exception.

Today wasn't so bad but it wasn't so great either. Physical Education was okay, teacher was in a good mood or maybe it's cause she has no choice but to be good. Mom said it's really her, she's just getting more nicer which kinda creeps me out. We had triple jump today and it was so freaking amazing. I don't know why I love jumping when I'm so gemuk. ._. Kt and the guys kept screaming "Ek power" and shit like that. I hate it, I was like FUUUUUUU? I also managed to talk to Xy today about plenty of things. I still kinda kinda hate him. Anyway, English wasn't so bad either, he didn't let anyone out but obviously some weren't listening. First period was really bad though, we had no assembly today so t. C. stayed in class and boy oh boy she had PMS again. She kept shouting and cursing. ._. She said "fuck you all" and "pu-ang ina mo" which means motherfcuker. I don't really know why she was like that, I told it to my mom and she said maybe it has something to do with the fact that teacher's are complaining to her. 

I still find what she did and said very unprofessional and rude. She can get fired for saying such things, she's suppose to be a "good" influence. So much for that. We also had 2 periods of relief cause Sarimah wasn't around. Uh, during geography after learning and shiz; I guess Jck was eavesdropping which was kinda okay for us since we always talk so loud. I don't know how the conversation started but seriously he started asking 

Jck: "how to fuck deep deep?"
V: "use the hand loh."
Jck: " *shows fingers* how?
S and X: *laughs* 
V: "push in loh."
Jck: "but the finger so short, how to do deep deep?"
V: "push deeper lah"
Jck: *laughs* google! 
*omg, we went googling it.*

It went something like that. What else? I tied my hair today, everyone kept saying I looked cute and I felt like puking bricks. (A) Oh, Ek returned the letter I gave him. After he read it of course, he couldn't throw it in his house cause well, his mom. I'm okay with that but I heard something that I didn't want to hear. :\ He could've told me that truth, if he felt awkward. Yuh, that's pretty much it. 

Pictures ahead!

"shirt" mom bought me, the other is in the laundry still.

Do you see it? :) The kid rolling?

vans was wearing a beanie today! ;( from forever 21. I hetchu but you still look so cute!

nah! nah! nah! see it? Jck typed it on his own k.

We couldn't take it anymore, whenever we pass by F4D we see it and it makes us go crazy at how cute the handwriting is.:3 

zoom version of the kid rolling. he didn't stop until he reached the black and white thing.

new shoes baybeh! ;)

I plan to not talk to you for one day. Just this once.
update soon again. Exams are in 2 weeks, I need to study! D:

vee.


It started out as a feeling then it grew into so much more. It wasn't suppose to but I let my guard down and shit here it comes again. Conquering my whole body, attacking my everything and slowly stabbing my heart countless times. It's slowly tearing me to pieces and when you look me in the eye there it goes but sometimes, your smile heals the broken pieces and it heals but not for long. What is it I'm feeling? Is it weird? Are you afraid? Well, don't. Promise, I'll push it back. I'm pushing it back with all my might. I'd rather let you go now than lose you as a friend... forever. I'm here when you need me, forever wondering what is this feeling I truly feel for you.


What can I say that'll change everything?
What can I do to have just one day with you?
What can I do to make this feeling go away?
What can I say for everything to stop hurting so much?
How can I get answers to my questions?


Am I going to forever hurt?
Am I going to stop feeling this way?
Am I going to keep developing this?
... this impossible wishes, unanswerable questions. To have one day with you is so impossible. I just want to have one day with you, to say everything I need to, to give you one hug and say I'm forever here.

butterlies.

We live in a world full of people pretending to be something they're not.

I don't like it. The feeling I get when I'm suspicious of something or someone, it's unbearable and I just feel like I'm suffocating when I know I can't express this feeling to anyone. I don't make sense.

It's Sunday, I bet you're all out having fun or in facebook, tweeting perhaps? or maybe not. I didn't do much today and it seems I won't be doing anything at all but stay home. I was out during the morning, I had tuition at 8.30 to 10.30 and even at there. After that, we went to Aunt Betty's house cause of something personal.

After that we went home, passed by Atlanta and bought ourselves bunch of junk foods. :) Then here we are, I thought I was gonna end up studying but then shit. I got tempted to get on, it's Sunday. What can one do?

Anyway, this are recent photos. Not necessarily according to the day and shit. Mom also bought me new "shirts" and a new converse. Post the picture soon.

you can't see the IRV down there. 

I'm gonna miss this two, so much. ;(((

Chok and Sean.

They're prettier if you hold them.

It didn't rotate, I just wanted to share a drawing Sw draw. I don't draw like that anymore.

I bought it from J. I think from Taiwan? I love it, it's so cute and I was gonna give one to Ty but he gave me one before I could.

I have this pink book that I always carry now, everyone writes on it. Sometimes about being hurt, confession, messages to me, draw on it, quotes or just stress release. Come if you wanna write. 

Oh, thanks V. 

Played hide and seek here with the bitches. ;) It was fun, I think I blogged about it before.

SEE SO RETARDED! ;)

taking a photo of the sign that hangs outside the ping-pong room.

Counseling with Fgk was fun! 

She built some kind of house or car or carhouse. lololol!

taken by S. 

so retarded ah this two but I love em' anyway!

I don't know why, I love this picture.

._____________.

and this! ;D

I shitted bricks twice seeing this picture! :o

KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! <3

what was I laughing at?

read, read or read here "xinZaii"

loner, retard. :3

Teddy. ;( got hanged. lololjk.

Monday. Fuck. Shit. Up

I wonder where we go from here. It's probably my fault again huh?


vee.

glee inspires

kiss today goodbye, the sweetness and the sorrow.

wish me luck, the same to you but I can't regret

what I did for love,

what I did, for love.

I'm wrote him a letter. I said I would try letting go, push the feelings all back and try ignoring it. I'm sure he has someone he loves and it's stressing him out to see me, look at him the way I do. Some say, it's love. Some say it's bullshit and nothing but a fantasy. Who knows?

I have a lot to blog but... I really, don't have the mood right now and lazy. Edit soon.


vee.

12/10/2010 ♥

Fuck my brain.

Fgk: what is love to you? what is your objective in finding love?

me: what is love to me? to me? I don't know really, I mean, I've had relationships before yeah but whenever a teenager like me, LIKE ME say that "oh, I'm so in love" how do I really know it's love? I don't even know half of the time if I truly mean it when I say it to guys. So in summary, I might have not even experienced love.

X: Ek *coughs* Ek 

S: *laughs*

me: diam. and  to us, we don't really know what our objective is... at first. I mean, how can you be so sure what you want in a relationship? Sometimes when you're in one all you have to worry about is missing that person. I mean for me, I don't really plan relationships or anything.

I've got it bad. Really bad, what if what I'm feeling now isn't real? or if it is? What if it's just another one of those days? or of it's not? I don't want him to be just another guy, I want him to be THE guy. I don't want to have doubts like this and stuff, I hate being confused. I don't like it, at all. It's fucking messing with me. He's been so sweet that it's making me more confused, why do guys always always have to play with our minds and hearts? ;((((

I went to the clinic yesterday since RIPAS would be so traffic if we went there, we also needed to buy dad's gift so clinic in Gaydong was perfect. Doctor said loads of worrying stuff but I won't worry about it, I won't. I don't wanna. I'm scared it'll come true if I think about it. Fuck it.

Then today wasn't really much, Mr. P hated on us again and made Ek stress. I hate it when he's all stressed out, he acts all weird which is not good. Mom says he's {Ek} been breathing way to much Chung Hwa air and to much EnKt influence. ._________________.

I forgot again what I wanted to blog about. FUCK?

Lastly, Happy Birthday Daddyoh!

 I love you and hope you'll always be healthy! <3

refund for the gifts? ;) joke.

12/10/2010 <3

I hate the feelings that you give me. 


vee.

what is love?

"What is love to you?"

- FGK. 

Yesterday.

I'm yet again sorry for the lack of blog updates. I just don't have the time really and I sometimes don't know what to blog about. I might go on and off since finals are near and I really really really need to study. Today is an exception I guess, it was a really really good day.

First. I like going to school now. I get to see him and that's more than enough, I think most of the guys know too. Tyk said he read the messages on Ek's phone. .______________. sad die me but it's actually kinda okay for me cause then now the guys don't pair Ek with V. I love V but seriously, you have no idea how much it hurts like fuck.

Second. I love M, really I do but his cousin that's gonna come. I'm sorry I might not like you. I might know you and I'm always saying "I hate people who judge" but for Z, I can do this one thing for her. I won't bother you, hurt you or even try entertaining you. Sorry but vee is private property only, I entertain those I want to entertain. And I'm just gonna ignore you cause I don't want to lose M as my friend. M is not Z's ex M, hell no. I won't betray you Z, hell no.

Third. It's a good day today, it usually has been for the past few days ever since I told him. ;) I feel kinda at ease. The best part of my day aside from him was I had fun with my bitches, like seriously had fun with them. I'm so stress and they're my stress pills. NYEHEHEHEHE, you can check out xinZaii's blog for the story. I'm afraid, I, would take forever to type out the whole day. :p

Fourth. I forgot what to type next, I'm so sleepy. 
you're the best best best part of my day.

I'm tired; peace out yoh. :)


vee.

not early anymore.

Don't expect to much, it might just disappoint you.

First things first, my previous post did not refer to Ht. It doesn't refer to anyone in my school or people I talk to everyday. It's someone else and I just wanted to clear that one up, if you don't believe me then I won't argue but sorry if you think that way. Secondly, how's your Sunday going so far? Mine's okay but A had to go and ruin it by asking shit and saying bunch of fuck. ._.


I've been swearing alot lately and I mean ALOT. I don't like it, I haven't had confessions in church in a while, I need to go like soon but I don't have the luxury to go. My time is being taken away by studies, tuition and chores. I know you're wondering and probably wanting to ask/say "then how the hell do you have time to update twitter, facebook, tumblr and blogspot right here?" well, for those who are actually wondering I only update when I feel like updating but the thing is when I wanna update I don't have the time and when I don't wanna I have time. It's like shit. #random

I don't have much to update about, if it's about EK, I really really don't have anything to update about. If it's about my life, this whole page will be full with emo rants. I'm a bitch you know. I bitch about alot of bitch and hey, it's not my fault I'm a bitch. 

The truth about me.

I'm not the type of girl guys fall for, I'm not pretty or intelligent. I'm not the most popular and most amazing girl  around. I don't wear sexy outfits cause hey, I'm not sexy. Most people think of me as some kind of tomboy or lesbian and they think I have a heart like a rock. I'm always happy go lucky and jolly so they think I'm always happy. When I get sad or depressed they say that I'm not type of girl and laugh at me like I'm not obliged to be sad. I'm only human and I have the right to get sad or depressed too. ;( I cry everyday without letting others know because they don't help me at all. I get hugs and 'it's okay' but sometimes I'd like the same reply that I ALWAYS give you. I don't ask for much but sometimes I wish for some. And sometimes I think of suicide when things get to much hurtful for me. I don't like looking weak in front of others but inside I'm hurting alot. I love my friends but sometimes I can hate them too but I could never for a long period of time, I'm a hypocrite when I say I don't like people who emo cause I myself is an emo. 

I'm not saying this to get attention or to hurt feelings. I just needed to let it out. 

WTF, SO EARLY, SO EMO. ._. <--- T

I'll update if I've got something today.


cause you burnt me with those words and you whispered words to her with lips like an angel. 
I need a hug. and I need it quick. ;(( I want someone to hit me on the head and say stop saying bullshits.

vee. 

I hate this feeling.

I'm confused with everything. I know I can't fix everything and I know I won't always know everything everyone knows but I wish I wasn't always the last to know. I end up feeling like shit.

Today is such a bad day. I don't even wanna begin why. I just need a hug and to stop feeling the way I do now. I need him to erase what he said, that bastard. ;( I WANT IT ERASED. 


If it's one thing I hate, I seriously seriously seriously hate liars, people who don't tell me anything and people who talk behind my back. Editing soon.

period.

vee.

let the sun shine

I wanna know what you're really thinking.

"cause ta xi wan ni ma and and and and and ta hen hurt bah when when bie ren say you and V together bah"

{I think that's what L said to EK, I felt so traumatized and was crying}

I told him. Not me, L did it for me cause I couldn't do it. I fucking couldn't do it. I kept freezing, stuttering and screaming FUCK. I couldn't do anything but that, I'm so hopless and such a coward that I coudn't do something so simple. He kept hitting his chest, his heart and kept saying he was getting nervous and stressed out. Ht and L were like tell him cause I kept calling them and screaming at them so in the end L did it for me.

Thank you L for helping me and Ht. You're not at fault Ht, really! you're adivces mean everything to me and you helped me now I'm like kinda happy he knows cause he's more open now. Thanks for everyone who hugged me today, told me it was okay and nothing is wrong with what I'm doing.

He said he was okay with it, through text. And that he doesn't mind. I even asked him if he liked V and it was okay if he did cause I can't tell him what to do with his life. And I said that even if it was painful for me, it was okay. He said he didn't liked V. He even explained everything to me. Which was nice.

I had plenty of drama today, like pleny of drama. not that I don't like the drama in my life, it's part of my life now. ;D Z came and told me her story and it was long but EVERYTHING IS OKAY Z and remember if they're your friends, they would understand. And my other V, please please! dont' cry. ;) You can come to me ANYYYYYTIME.

J was sad that S wasn't in school, he kept acting so weird eh. lololol and btw, EK is not and never will be Eng Keat. ._.

well, edit soon.
tuition soon.

vee

cause it don't matter what you say

let it all go, it'll be alright when you do. it'll all pass, you just see.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates, so here are some updates for you. (:

who are you again?
right, just in case you forgot. read the profile, I'm vee {what people calls me} or sometimes just viel {my real name}. Yuh, I'm that girl with the dirty look on her face, the one that always notice people doing something dirty. lol, I sound like some creepy molester now. I'm sorry but it's true. I'm the most hiao-est person you'll ever meet. (:

what's up?
well, I've been very busy with my tuition gig. ;( I rarely have time to go online and tumble in tumblr or blog but I do tweet and stalk people in facebook from time to time. lololol, i'm jerking. (: but I do go on. I have to earn money since I don't get allowance from my parents {and I don't want to, cause I spend waaaaay to much} 


I've also been stressed out with studies, I don't have time to do homeworks and read books anymore. ._. I'm even stressed out with other people's business. I'm weird like that. I'm still going crazy over EK cause he's... well he's EK. ;) 

How's it with EK? {I bet you should skip this here cause it'll be long and lame and weird, kthx!}
Well, 10 months of trying to figure out whether it's one of those thing I usually do where I like the guy for 3 weeks then get over them well it's been yeah, 10 months since he came to school and I started liking him. I know even when I was with M. I had little feelings for him then okay. I'm not some whore or anything. I do feel like it though. ._. I tried denying so many time what can I do now right. 


Ht and S think I should say it face to face, have a lil' tet-a-tet with EK and tell him how I feel. Ht says it's better to know now than later but lately everyone and I mean EVERYONE {by that I mean the guys in class} have been pairing him with many girls. wtf. I'm not jealous, I'm just saying, it hurts hearing it sometimes. X thinks it's gonna be a huge mistake if I do tell him cause he might find it weird when he doesn't feel the same and he might ignore me when I tell him. She thinks that there's 2 years, what's the rush? and I just told her that, who knows if he changes school or something.


I'm thinking though, mom said waiting is an awesome thing to do {no, I didn't tell her I liked him, wtf.} most people will probably say the same thing. He's sitting behind me now, I can't turn around cause Kt and Yk are both sitting there. ._. but he calls me alot, so it's all cool. Then today, he sat in front of me cause of Mr. P and it was cool of him. I had butterflies for 4 periods of English straight. 

I'mma shut up about EK now. 


seriously, you want news?
I don't have any. HEKEHEK, I can't go tomorrow for the thing Z asked me to go to cause I have tuition. I might not go on Saturday cause my parents won't send me. What can I do right? Then I don't know what to do about EK anymore. That's my news for now. 


what happened today?
I just told you. EK thing and S & X hyperness. Ht also kept asking me when I was gonna tell him and S was dying of curiosity. ;b  


Just a few hours ago, after dinner. Dad was stealing the M&M from the fridge and I wanted some, he's so karit.. He didn't wanna give me any! D;  he made us dance and do funny stuff while mom took videos. ;b I'll see if I can steal the video from her. 


That's pretty much it. Such a long post, I hope that it's enough, even though I talked about EK most of the time. I'm sorry. I can't help what I feel. :\

another post, another day. 

cause it don't matter what people say, I feel what I feel for you. stupid right?

 

Amirin's initials. ;)

still favourite.

vee.

I'm sick and tired of being the second hand person you run to. 

I hate it when my fonts change. ._. They're so annoying that I can rape my fucking digitals right now. I do have this quote where "anything is fuckable" except A and I'm not changing my mind about it until he grows same height as I do. :p I'm sorry for being hurtful but he's so fucking gorgeous and sexy I could drop. he-he-he, no I'm not horny just have a dirty mind. Didn't you read the profile? 


Anyway, today was yet again a long and tiring family day. We woke up at 6am and had to go to mass after sending Nigel to tuition. S and I were suppose to watch a movie but there was just not enough time to watch as she had to go to mass in the afternoon. ): sadlife and shit it's Monday tomorrow. We're all hoping Nancy won't be in her bad mood. ._.


We went to mall again today even though S cancelled on the movie thing, she wanted to check out the SNSD thing in timesquare which I was pretty sure wasn't true cause SNSD? Brunei? KPOP? seriously? I don't think so. 2PM was here though, they were at Empire. I heard from my friends. 

We ate lunch there and breakfast too, walked around and finally bought PS3! omg, I'm like in game mode but mom said enough cause Nigel has PSR tomorrow. ._. KJ but no choice, I want him to pass too. After buying the PS3 thingo we went around looking for stuff, I don't remember what it was but we caught Kh somewhere with E. ._____. I wanna puke that someone THAT nice would hang with someone THAT bad. He was there to celebrate Y's birthday with friends. idgaf bout' ahem, oh but mom LOVES Kh.

We went home at 5PM after going to Serusop and Mall Manggis. That's pretty much Sunday today.

Pictures below. { Just four and lame ones too. }

My new music player. Wore it all day without being noticed listening to it. Make sure you tap me before talking to me now

._.

MOM, made me push this around HuaHo Manggis! Qin Yi can vouch for me!

Playstation 3! We're buying the 'move' next week! :D

I like long posts, people don't read them. 

Beautiful girls aren't hard to find, 

they're just not easy to fool anymore.

 They're there, 

you don't see them cause they don't let you see them.

 They won't let you see them until they're sure, if you're willing to stay.

you I love, me I know.

btw,
welcome to October road, it's gonna be a long journey.

vee.