no backing down

You're not gonna read the words right? 

well, what can I say?

I have photos, lazy upload.

You know, I'm actually kinda liking the whole not going to school thing. I mean yeah, I miss my friends and I'm always bored as hell at home but it's kinda worth it. I'm having so much solitary time, thinking; yus, I have been thinking but no meditation lately.. I don't think I should do that, not until I calm my fucking negativity thoughts. 

Anyway, I've been watching Veronica Mars. I watched the whole 3 season and I learnt quite a few things from the tv series. 

• I learnt that the character and I are quite nosy, we don't like being curious and we will always try to figure out the truth.
• We both have "reputations", well obviously her reputation is much better and bigger than mine but I can't help but notice that.
• We both act all happy but inside we're hiding something.
• We have nutty personalities, bitchy but nice. "Melly" and stuff.

And other stuff you're not interested in, she's talented though and she has on/off different boyfriends every season. She's whoreible and yes, I am too but in a whole different way. What was I going to blog about today? I completely forgot, short-term memory loss remember. Uh, it was something about change. C'mon brain... 

OH, I was thinking about it. I don't really have something one calls "serious problem", I'm not mental.. well I am but not literally, I'm not trying to get my parents attention (they give me enough k?), I don't need so much attention and shit. My point is I should stop being emu for a while, people have worst problems than I do, I guess I've been depressed and down cause of the shame and the feeling of disappointment but I can solve this "problem" by studying hard and stuff. I figured that emu-ing will have no effect.

From now on, I'm just gonna be anti-depressed though I must say.. I might wear emu/loner clothing for quite a period of time. I don't even know why I'm blogging about this, I guess as a reminder to myself. I want to make this change official. I'm gonna try to be happy, change but not change so much, be single and not care or like anyone for the moment. That's... that. 

You don't care, it's okay. It's worth typing it all out though reading it again makes me think I don't make sense. bah, I don't keh. :)) 

For now, I don't exist. I need solitary but I'm around, talk to me when you want to.

vee.

never shine again

I'm waiting for a train,

a train that will take me far away,

I know where I hope this train will take me...

but I'm not sure; 

but it doesn't matter.

because it'll take me far away anyway.

Have you ever thought of running away sometimes? or perhaps thought of suicide? I have. I think of it when things get rough and I often do, not just once or twice but more than I can remember. I've pretty much lost count. I'm such a hypocrite you know, I often tell people don't do this and don't do that but I myself do it anyway. That's why I tell people "it's up to you" cause things I say could be lies or in the end I myself would do it.

I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid to stop and think for a minute because I know my thoughts would get a hold of me and torture me in the very depths of my mind. The negativity would swallow me whole and everything I thought was positive would disappear in a matter of seconds. That's how dangerous my mind is, I admit to myself, no, not just to myself but to everyone who knows me that I am a quite troubled person. For those who have always known, well, kudos.

My brother got his PSR results yesterday, 2A's 2B's 1C. I'm proud of him, he got a much better result than I did. I am ashamed, I don't hide that fact. I'm ashamed that my baby brother was better than his older sister but past is past and there is nothing I can absolutely do about it. I was utterly happy for him, I was but during the night when we went to sleep... I tossed and I turned and just let myself drift deep within my mind. That was a big mistake.

I cried myself to sleep yesterday night, slept at exactly 3AM. You want to know why? of course you don't. 

Just a while ago, X and I were talking about results. I could hear the disappointment bells real loud. My results are all so disappointing, I didn't even get a 60. I know, I haven't been studying well enough and I don't know why either but my maths, 8 over 80, that's something I can't take in. My parents are okay with the 53 and above thing in other subjects but 8, eight, fuck eight. What the hell is the matter with me? 

So you see, it doesn't matter if you got 50 or 40 in maths or whatever subject, I've never passed maths ever since I was primary 5. I've never gotten higher than. period. I don't know if I'm going school tomorrow.

I might not be around after I show my dad my maths, we shall see. 

I don't believe in lost causes.
vee.

words don't come easy.

I just wish I understood you a little more better than I did now.

I'm attracted to you. 

I wonder who.

fuck this shit.

Today was fun. It was, exams ended today but what we all fear is coming. Results. Ugh, results suck and the whole whether you'll retain or not. I don't know, my mind is drowning me with negative thoughts. I've tried NOT thinking about it but it's just.. it's just there.

I summarized what happened today, I think it's a summary? I've never really been good at summaries. 

Exams ended, physics wasn't that bad but I don't think I'll get a high mark. I really should've studied. After exams, around 9am, the bitches and I went to the canteen to.. er, talk. We chatted, laughed and ate then took a walk. We didn't actually take a walk cause Sw saw Sg. The dude with really weird hair, her ex crush? something like that. We made fun of her, ran away and "hid" from her.. at least we tried. Then we just stood at that area.. you know the one where the teachers enter there apartment, beside the Darussalam Hall. Yeah, we stood there, just talking and laughing, singing and shit. It was nice. 

It's our official favorite rendezvous place.

Awhile later, we went to the music room. We sang karaoke, there was plenty of us. It was fun cause everyone was smiling and joking around. A was in his singing mood and his sister just kept.. staring. :p M was being a bitch. I just realized how much I wish to slap him on the face. Sometimes, cause he's such a bitch. He talks like he's so unstoppable. -.- I hate that.

I couldn't go home early, went to Yayasan with mom and teacher Aileen. Bought blouses for teacher Aileen then we went to eat at Jollibee, then went to buy new nail polish at face shop. :)) I saw Vili and Xin Ni too. After that, we just went back and waited for dad. Arrived home and never left my chair.

Oh god, the freedom won't last long. I also decided not to have a debutant. I don't see the idea why I should have one.

Pictures.

she just simply licked my choki choki! D:

SHARONNNNNNNNNNNN!

we were fixing our CD's yesterday. we have so much boxes of CD's now.

BIIIIIIIIIIITCH, posting all my candid shots. This is my revenge.

It was nicer during the morning and afternoon but now, my evening is just not my evening. ): Anyway, I'm going out with my bitches on Friday. Hopefully, finally I get to hang out without any occasion with them. :)) I'm excited. I have so much plans that I'm about to go bananas. :p

Oh and today was just the dumbest day ever. someone asked my dad ; are you ready for this?

"why does your dog hate me?"

seriously? how can you ask this about a dog? you're so dumb! wtf?

Happy Birthday Chok.

I love you boy. :)) very much, and I hope all your wishes come true. I hope you have a blast and more to come. Take care always, god bless and stay awesome. Good luck in O's.

I'm having a hard time not thinking.

vaffanculo.

vee.

needs.

I'm trap.

My thoughts are drowning me. 

I need more meditation. I need more focus. I need more solitary time. I need to know what to do. I need to pray. I need to take a vacation. I need to travel. I need something new. I need life. I need to trust. I need the truth. I need happiness. I need to know me. I need, I need you.

vee.