never shine again

I'm waiting for a train,

a train that will take me far away,

I know where I hope this train will take me...

but I'm not sure; 

but it doesn't matter.

because it'll take me far away anyway.

Have you ever thought of running away sometimes? or perhaps thought of suicide? I have. I think of it when things get rough and I often do, not just once or twice but more than I can remember. I've pretty much lost count. I'm such a hypocrite you know, I often tell people don't do this and don't do that but I myself do it anyway. That's why I tell people "it's up to you" cause things I say could be lies or in the end I myself would do it.

I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid to stop and think for a minute because I know my thoughts would get a hold of me and torture me in the very depths of my mind. The negativity would swallow me whole and everything I thought was positive would disappear in a matter of seconds. That's how dangerous my mind is, I admit to myself, no, not just to myself but to everyone who knows me that I am a quite troubled person. For those who have always known, well, kudos.

My brother got his PSR results yesterday, 2A's 2B's 1C. I'm proud of him, he got a much better result than I did. I am ashamed, I don't hide that fact. I'm ashamed that my baby brother was better than his older sister but past is past and there is nothing I can absolutely do about it. I was utterly happy for him, I was but during the night when we went to sleep... I tossed and I turned and just let myself drift deep within my mind. That was a big mistake.

I cried myself to sleep yesterday night, slept at exactly 3AM. You want to know why? of course you don't. 

Just a while ago, X and I were talking about results. I could hear the disappointment bells real loud. My results are all so disappointing, I didn't even get a 60. I know, I haven't been studying well enough and I don't know why either but my maths, 8 over 80, that's something I can't take in. My parents are okay with the 53 and above thing in other subjects but 8, eight, fuck eight. What the hell is the matter with me? 

So you see, it doesn't matter if you got 50 or 40 in maths or whatever subject, I've never passed maths ever since I was primary 5. I've never gotten higher than. period. I don't know if I'm going school tomorrow.

I might not be around after I show my dad my maths, we shall see. 

I don't believe in lost causes.
vee.