BUT hey TGIF.

WHY HAI THUR

you're good facebook.

I believe I owe anyone any apology for not blogging considering there is no one to apologize to but that's okay. I've gotten used to that. During the holiday, I've come to realize 5 things. 

1. There are only certain friends who will actually care to ask you how you are, where you are and what's wrong.
2. There are only few friends who will respond for you cry of help.
3. There are no friends who will love you too much or less. Only half, if you get what I mean.
4. There is really no snow in Australia, god, I'm so dumb.
5. There literally is so many spoiled brats in my school.

I'm not talking bad about my friends because I've already gotten used to that. I don't mind about it anymore. I care for my friends no matter what they do, I forgive them when they do something irrational. I'm not trying to sound saint-like, just saying. Cause I know I'm not a saint and I'm not really really nice but I know who I am and I know my place. I care for my friends. period.

So you may (or may not) be wondering, what brought this sudden emotional and uninteresting topic. Well, I really don't know. I woke up one morning and realized that no matter what I did or what I said, people would always label me the "happy, energetic, no problem" kind of person. I cry for help every time and it's like people intentionally just walk by it. I've never really felt so crappy and so alone in my entire life, it's like I didn't belong. But like I said, I've gotten so used to it. I'm just typing it all out so I can get it off my chest.

But what do you do when you don't feel like you don't fit anywhere or with anyone?

When school re-opens, I'm going loner. HA! As if, I can stand just being alone. I'm not the loner type but if I was, that would be such a surprise. Even my own best friend doesn't reply my message and to be honest, it effing hurts. Cause the one person I actually trust doesn't even care. And then there's Calvin, seriously? I know, people mature, people get  less clingy with their friends but after all this years? he starts letting go NOW? and decides to go "hey, viel won't mind that she found out last"

first phone.

For many reasons, I really hate finding out things the last. 

But

I'm

used

to

it.

so 

fuck

this 

shit.

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 guess this should be last.

And hey, TGIF. I'm so in love with that son, today I might get to watch Green Lantern with my parents. 

So you're in high school and you feel like you're never going to fit in, so you wear this mask and pretend that you're someone you're not. And you wear it for too long that you actually forget who you really are. 

first year.

You were a nice person, until you became a first year high school student. You enter the room with two type of feeling; you're excited but at the same time you're nervous. You wonder what it's like to be in high school; magical you suppose. You've been watching you're seniors forever and they look like they dominate over juniors. I bet you can't wait to do the same. You watch your classmates get settled in, you look around and you wonder "where can I sit, who can I sit with? I have to pick wisely!". You notice the most popular girl sitting in her seat and next to her is an empty chair, so you grab your chance and sit beside her. You smile and she doesn't smile back, you say to yourself.. "it doesn't matter! she has no choice but to sit with me and like me for the rest of the year." But you blink and look to your seatmate as she gets up, grabs her bag and sits with one of her friends. Can you feel the magic now?

second year.

Second year! You're hoping for a better year. Become someone famous perhaps? "this year has to be better" you repeat to yourself. You enter your class, you see someone familiar but you choose to sit in a different seat. You want a fresh start so you need new friends. You're overwhelmed by guilt as that familiar person looks to you, you decide to look away. Then you see a classmate, surrounded by so many other people (some not even from your class!) you head over and you say hi. They look at you with disgust and ask "uh hello? are you new here?" You wonder, yes or no? "Yes" And you start up a complete profile of yourself. You make yourself someone you're not, that's when you start wearing your mask. You figure you can take it off if they don't like you and say "I was just kidding" but hey they love you. Not you but who you created. Can you feel the magic sink in now?

third year.

It's been a year, still wearing that mask of yours? You enter the class, there's that one familiar person you knew in middle school. The one who truly knew you for you. She's become slightly famous now but still you choose to look the other way and sit in another seat. You exit the classroom and look to the side where you're second year friends are "hey!" you greet with glee. And they remember you, of course. 

Then one day, that popular girl talks behind your back. What do you do? You put another mask and manage to make up a story about that girl. It ends her popularity. You realize, you can't be brought down. You're pretty, you're smart.. you don't need to be in someone else's shadow. So you become the better girl and make your way up the social ladder. Can you feel yourself fading?

fourth year. 

You feel like a queen. Everyone knows you, every boy wants you and you think everyone likes you. You make up rumors to destroy people you hate and you act innocent when you are accused. You feel dominant, you feel high ranked. You've been swallowed by your fake identity, you take drugs to impress. You smoke to make yourself seem cooler. Where's the magic now?

fifth year.

It's your last year. You're stressed, you're confused. You don't know what to do, what you want. You don't want to show that you're weak so you keep the mask on and you keep the act up. You don't want to be weak. You don't want to be weak. You don't want to be weak. It's your last year. There are only two choices.

Reconciliation. Ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt. Your last chance to take of that mask and admit that you are vulnerable. That you are afraid to leave and enter the reality. There is no shame, There is no harm in doing so. You tell your friends that they matter. If they are not as forgiving as you imagined, there is no shame. You asked for forgiveness and with that as you leave, you leave with a clean conscious. NOW, do you feel the magic?

Keep the mask. Someone tells you to ask for forgiveness  and you say sure but you lied. Who the hell would do such a thing? You're a queen and they should remember that. But who will you have when you enter the world of reality? Do you think that university will be the same? No, it is not. Do you feel yourself swallowed whole?

I don't know why I did something so random but to me that's how high school feels and looks like. People are always fighting and always making rumors up to ruin the other one. Don't they realize that high school isn't just a place for studying but a place for family and for hope. Someone you can run to when the real world seems so harsh? You think you only need one friend to get you through but you have no idea what it's like out there. And the more friends you have to back you up, the tougher you are. The world will not having anything against you. 

Why don't you all get that? I'm not smart but I can see a clear picture. I'm not done with high school but at least I know where my decisions will lead me. I know where it will take me. Don't you know? The future doesn't change unless you make it change? 

Yes, I talk rubbish.

school holiday's ending. bloody hell

plus, I'm planning to change. Isn't that for the best?

xx